


No one said it would be easy

by DODO24



Series: I should have known [4]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-05 12:35:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20488979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DODO24/pseuds/DODO24
Summary: Christen tries to find her way back to trusting Tobin and having a physical relationship.Chapter 1: Christen wants to try and be intimate with Tobin, Ali and Ash try to help when Christen doesn't know how to broach the subject.Chapter 2: The group deal with the aftermath of what happened, they decide she needs more help than they can give her. Tobin learns how to help Christen and talks her through her panic when she wakes up the morning after.Chapter 3: Christen does therapy, Dana helps her sort out her feelings. Christen tries to regain control over her body again, Tobin helps her with that.Chapter 4: Christen takes another (huge) step in furthering their physical relationship. Dana gives her an assignment which helps her greatly, Tobin is patient, loving and just soft really





	1. Back to reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking this will be 3 maybe 4 chapters, depending on how it goes.
> 
> There is an extra trigger warning in this one again because of the flashback near the end. It's not insanely graphic but i want you to be able to skip it. If you do you can just continue reading after the trigger warning.

When Christen saw Tobin naked it was an accident really, Tobin had never been one for being shy, she always walked out of the showers in just a towel. She would without blushing drop the towel and search for clothes in her bag, under normal circumstances Christen wouldn’t bat an eye (well she would but that’s another story).

This time however was the first time she saw Tobin naked since everything had gone to hell, she hadn’t been in the locker room. She preferred to get dressed at the hotel and shower there as well, no one questioned her on that, they understood. She hadn’t even gone in to shower, she just wanted to get her bag so she could leave.

When she saw her, she couldn’t get herself to look away, she suddenly realized how much she had missed seeing Tobin naked. Ash snapped her out of her trance asking if she was ready to go, Christen left desperately hoping no one had seen her blush and stare. She wasn’t very lucky though, “you know you’re allowed to check out you girlfriend right?” before she could answer she could hear Ash being slapped. “What? Tobin is hot, why shouldn’t Christen check her out?” Another slap could be heard, it made Christen grin, “HEY, stop hitting me?” Christen could hear another slap, “stop making her uncomfortable and stop checking out your friends.”

When Christen finally looked up she could see Ash pout and Ali look at her with a face that said, “why am I married to this idiot.” Christen laughed at the couple, “it’s just that we haven’t really looked at each other in that way recently.” Ali tried to get the conversation back on track, “in what way?” Ash apparently decided that being used as a professional punching bag was okay in her book when she said, “like they want to fuck each other’s brains out.”

Christen didn’t see Ali’s reaction, she just saw Ash taking a hint and jogging (well sprinting) away, saying a quick bye to Christen. “Sorry, Ash really does not have a filter,” Christen just laughed, somehow the joking made it easier to talk about. “It’s okay, it’s not like I don’t know what to expect from Ash.”

They walked together in silence until Ali decided to bring it up again, “have you and Tobin done anything since everything went down?” Christen was glad that Ali asked, she needed to talk about this, “no, i didn’t even think about it if I’m being honest, even when she kisses me I don’t think about it.”

“But you’re now?”

Christen felt herself blush again, “yeah,” Ali stopped walking to look at her, “so what’s stopping you? I can make everyone back off a bit so you have some time alone and you guys can figure it out.” Christen tried to look straight at Ali when she continued, “i don’t know, I wouldn’t even know how to start and I don’t even know if I’m ready to have sex with her.” She saw Ali look at her with compassionate eyes, “oh sweetie, Tobin will understand and you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, you can stop at any time”

Christen didn’t try anything that night or the next, it wasn’t that she didn’t want to, she just didn’t know how. Tobin and her had been back to sharing a room with just the two of them after the night on the field so it’s not like she didn’t get the chance. She just had no clue how to start, nothing they had done or talked about in the past two weeks was even remotely sexual. It was sweet and soft but never sexual.

After the 3rd day of beating herself up she decided to go back to Ali, hoping she might have an idea on how to spark Tobin’s interest. It was Ash who ended up helping, she had been in the bathroom while Ali and Christen sat on the bed talking.

“Chris just make yourself feel good, go doll up and put on that black skirt that makes your ass pop, Tobin will be all over you.” Before Ali could throw something at Ash, Christen intervened, “you think that would help?” She watched Ash come out of the bathroom hands held up ready to catch anything Ali would throw at her. “Chris you’re hot but Tobin hasn’t been looking at you like that because she is in overprotective mode and thinks you are not ready. You just have to show her that you are, easiest way to do that is to show her like you normally would, by looking sexy as hell.”

Christen was thinking about it for a bit while Ali once again told Ash to stop checking out their teammates. “You think she would catch on if I did?” Before Ali could answer Ash spoke up again, “T is oblivious, but she is not blind, you will still have to reassure her but it will get her to see you as her sexy girlfriend again and not someone she needs to protect all the time.”

Christen had to admit that what Ash was saying made a lot of sense, both Ali and her looked at her with surprised faces. “Since when are you the smartest person in the room?” Ali said with a smile, “Since we’re talking about hot girls and their sexy girlfriends.” Christen and Ali both started laughing, they had to give it to Ash she certainly knew what she was talking about. “How do you deal with her?” Christen asked still laughing, “she is an acquired taste, I guess she wore me down.” They heard Ash protest from the bathroom, but they ignored it, “go get pretty, I will make sure no one disturbs you tonight,” Ali said with a wink.

Christen did what Ash had advised, she got dolled up for what felt like the first time in forever. There really wasn’t a reason to during camp and she hadn’t been feeling it, so she had lived in training clothes and hoodies for two weeks now. She had shaved, moisturized and put on make-up before putting on the skirt Ash had told her to wear and a crop top she knew Tobin loved. She had texted Tobin asking her to come up 10 minutes ago and was now impatiently pacing around the room.

When the door opened Christen stopped pacing, she could feel the nerves but pushed them away, it was just Tobin. “Hey Chris, I brought….” Tobin didn’t finish the sentence, she stood frozen to the ground looking like she had just swallowed her tongue.

Christen felt like it was now or never so she slowly walked over to where Tobin was still standing and gave her a kiss. Tobin didn’t respond at first, but she snapped out of it when Christen tried to deepen the kiss. She pulled back from the kiss to Christens disappointment, “Chris, what? How? Why?” It didn’t seem like Tobin was able to form a coherent sentence so Christen waited for a moment so Tobin could gather her braincells.

“Wow you look hot,” Christen laughed, she had achieved her goal at least, she could feel Tobin’s eyes traveling over her body. Christen had gathered some courage before she started to speak, “I want you Tobin and not just to hold me.” She took a deep breath before continuing, “I can’t promise that I won’t stop you, but I want to try, is that okay.”

Tobin apparently had regained some of her senses, “Of course that is okay Chris. 

“So, will you kiss me now?” Tobin didn’t have her wait, within seconds her mouth was on hers, kissing her hungrily. Christens hands wandered, already having them under Tobin’s hoodie before she could think about it. Her hands traveled up, she moaned when she felt that Tobin wasn’t wearing a bra, she had missed this.

Tobin’s hands had traveled down, her hands softly caressing Christens ass. She groaned into the kiss when she felt Christens hands over her breasts, two fingers tweaking her nipple.

Before Tobin would completely lose herself she pulled back, looking into Christens eyes, “are you still okay?” Christen was out of breath but managed to choke out, “yes, I want you so much.” That was enough for Tobin to attack her mouth again, one hand moving up under the crop top. Christen meanwhile pushed Tobin’s hoodie up, a simple “off” was enough for Tobin to raise her arms and slide the hoodie off. It gave Christen a chance to admire her shirtless girlfriend, she moaned at the sight of her hard nipples. Tobin had moved her lips to Christens neck by now, sucking and biting her way down from her lips.

This continued for a while, Christen had lost her shirt as well before Tobin started moving her backwards towards the bed. They didn’t stop kissing, hands were roaming over bare skin now, Christens hands were fumbling with the elastic of Tobin’s shorts, finally getting them off right before they reached the bed.

After Tobin had stepped out of her shorts, she looked at Christen again, “still okay?” She asked, “very much okay,” Christen kissed Tobin again letting her hands roam from the edge of Tobin’s boxers up to her breasts. Tobin’s hands moved to her skirt, looking up questioningly, Christen just nodded before feeling Tobin slide down the skirt over her legs.

Christen felt great. she let Tobin push her onto the bed, half lying next to each other, continuing the fevered touches. She gasped when Tobin took one of her nipples in her mouth, biting and sucking around it, later doing the same to the other one.

Tobin moved her over to her back, straddling her while moving her head up from her chest to kiss her, she moved Christens hands above her head.

**Trigger warning**

_She was back in the alley, she felt unfamiliar hands push her against the wall, while others shifted her skirt up her thighs. She felt someone take hold of her wrists, moving them above her head, squeezing so tight she was sure they were bruising. She tried to fight it but the hands holding her were to strong, she heard two unfamiliar voices talk about what they were going to do, she tried to block them out. When she felt something enter her she squeezed her eyes shut, she concentrated on the pain in her wrists. Feeling them hurt more and more, while the unfamiliar hands moved to her breasts. _

  
**End trigger warning**

She got back to reality when she heard Tobin’s voice calling out to her, it was clearer than the unfamiliar voices. She didn’t dare to open her eyes, scared what or who she may find, she felt the weight on top of her leave, but she still didn’t open her eyes.

She could feel someone next to her, putting arms around her, she felt the someone hugging her, so her head was on this someone’s chest.  


She smelled Tobin.   
  
It took her 10 minutes to open her eyes, she was fairly certain the someone who was holding her was Tobin. The someone sounded like her, smelled like her and the fabric she was laying on felt like Tobin’s hoodie. When she finally dared to look up she let out a breath of relief, it was Tobin who was holding her, she was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie, this was a tough one. So again i have a few things to explain.
> 
> First, flashbacks happen to people who experienced all kinds of trauma. A flashback can feel totally real, to a point where you're convinced you're reliving your trauma. Christen hasn't had any professional help yet in this story so i didn't add in some known techniques to deal with a flashback because she wouldn't know them. Instead i focussed on her senses as a way for her to realize where she was, this is a pretty common technique that is taught as well but also something people do on their own without it being taught to them. Just as an extra i wanted to give everyone this website, it has great tips on how to deal with flashbacks so if you have to deal with them or know someone who does you might be able to help (you can also use it just to educate yourself of course), https://www.rainn.org/articles/flashbacks
> 
> Second, people have asked me quite a bit if i will write about Christen getting professional help, yes i will, in the next chapter in fact.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


	2. Can you tell me what color my eyes are?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group deal with the aftermath of Christens flashback, they decide she needs more help than they can give her. Tobin learns how to help Christen and talks her through her panic when she wakes up the morning after her flashback.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 of 3, this is probably the fluffiest thing i have written in this series but i guess that is not saying much. Anyway no big trigger warnings in this one.

Christen didn’t let go of Tobin that night, she didn’t even let Tobin put clothes on her, she just gripped onto her hoodie and didn’t let go. Tobin didn’t know what happened, one minute they were fine and the next Christen was gone and didn’t react to anything. She just went stiff like a board, every muscle in her body tensed up.

Tobin had gotten off of Christen, quickly throwing on a hoodie before going back to bed to try and calm her down. It felt like ages before she felt Christens body relax bit by bit, she saw her rub her cheek on her hoodie and press her nose into it as if to smell it. Once her body had relaxed again it still took time for her to open her eyes, when she did Tobin tried to contain her shock. 

Christens eyes were showing a fear Tobin had never seen before, she looked so small in her arms. Tobin just held onto her, whispering soothing words into her hair and rubbing her back. It was maybe an hour later when she felt Christens steady breathing, indicating that she had fallen asleep, probably from pure exhaustion. 

Tobin just lay there thinking about what had happened and what she had to do, she had texted the group before she could tell herself not to. One by one they came to the room, entering softly, making sure not to wake Christen. Tobin had tried to get up but Christen had a death grip on her, luckily Ali still had a room key. 

“What happened?” Pinoe had whispered, the group had piled onto the other bed, looking at the couple. Tobin had sat up a bit, now having Christens head on her stomach, still clenching her hoodie with her left hand. She had her hands in Christens hair, one hand covering Christens ear, making sure she wouldn’t hear them talk and wake up. She had moved a sheet over them since Christen had refused to put on clothes. 

“I don’t know, we were fine, she was fine until she wasn’t,” she saw Ali look at her with a curious gaze. “Did you guys have sex?” The group minus Ash looked at her with shocked faces, wondering why she would even ask that. Tobin’s answer surprised them even more, “that was where it was going yes, she said she was fine, I asked multiple times but then suddenly she was gone.” 

“What do you mean she was gone?” 

Tobin let out a deep breath after hearing the question from Pinoe. “Just gone, she tensed up, she didn’t react to anything I was saying, she wouldn’t open her eyes, she just lay there, stiff like a board.” 

“Sounds like she had a flashback”

The group all turned towards Kelley with questioning faces, “What? I did some research, I was reading through forums trying to find some where Christen could talk to others, what you’re describing is a flashback.” Tobin looked down to the girl in her lap, making sure she was still asleep.

“What is a flashback, what happened to her,” Tobin feared she already knew but needed to know if her suspicions were correct. 

“A flashback is basically her reliving what happened, something must have triggered her and made her return to that night.” 

Tobin bend down, pressing her face in Christens hair, hugging her closer, “she must have been so scared,” Tobin whispered. 

The group looked on in silence, neither had ever experienced something like this but they could imagine what Christen felt like. “Will she remember it when she wakes up?” Tobin’s eyes hadn’t left Christens face when she asked the question, “from what I have read about it, she probably will.” Tobin was both relieved and incredibly sad, she didn’t want Christen to remember but she also knew that if she didn’t they would have to tell her.

“Maybe it’s time to get professional help”

Tobin looked up at Pinoe after she had heard the words, they had talked about it and Christen seemed open to it. They had decided to wait until they got back to Portland in a couple days though since they didn’t want Christen to see someone during camp to then have to switch to someone else when she was home. Pinoe could see the doubt in Tobin’s face, “i know you wanted to wait to get back home, but we can’t help her with this because we don’t know how.” 

Tobin looked down again at the sleeping woman in her arms, Pinoe was right, up until now they could deal but this required more than friendship and hugs.”

They talked for a while, discussing different options, Ali and Pinoe ended up contacting some friends and someone at US soccer. They were referred to a psychologist in the Portland area who had experience with pro athletes. She was used by US Soccer in crisis situations and specializes in sexual assault among other things. It took them 10 minutes to decide that calling her now was probably the best thing to do. They didn’t want to betray Christens trust, but it was probably best to have someone on speed dial in case she needed it when she woke up.

It was 10pm on the east-coast, which meant it wasn’t insanely late in Portland, the US soccer official had given them permission to make a crisis call.

Dana wasn’t taken a back when they called, she listened to the story and complimented them on how well they had been taking care of Christen. She gave them some tips for the night in case Christen woke up and told them to tell Christen in the morning that she was available. She had reserved a seat on the next flight to New Jersey for the next morning in case Christen was open to seeing her and told the group to let her know if she needed to come. 

Overall they were happy they called, Dana had been able to assure them they did the right thing to call and everything was in place in case Christen needed it. If she didn’t she would meet with Dana when she got back to Portland and if she did Dana would fly in. The group was happy to hear that US Soccer did indeed have someone for situations like these who could in a sense drop the things she was doing to come and help. 

Tobin assured them she would be okay for the night and that she would call if she needed help. 

Once everyone had left Tobin slid down the bed, shifting Christen to her chest once more. She didn’t fall asleep until a few hours later, she just spend her time stroking Christens hair and holding her tight.

The first thing Christen noticed when she woke up was that she was naked, the second thing she noticed was that her head was buried in Tobin’s hoodie and that she was comfy. It took a few minutes for the memories to get back to her but when they did she shot up to a sitting position, sheets pooling in her lap. The quick movement had woken Tobin who sat up next to her. 

She felt her breathing getting faster and panic increasing, she heard Tobin’s steady voice trying to calm her down. “Chris, look at me okay, just look at me,” Christen looked at her still panicking, “I’m right here, it’s just us, no one is going to hurt you. Look around you” Christen managed to turn her head around the room, “tell me what you see.” 

“A chair”

Tobin held onto her, “That’s good baby, keep going.”

“A table”

“Curtains”

“Clothes” 

Christen breathing slowly became calmer, “that’s it, now look at me.” Christen turned her head again, this time to face Tobin, “Can you tell me what color my eyes are?”

“Brown, always brown”

Tobin smiled at her, “and can you count my fingers for me?” Christen looked down when she grabbed Tobin’s hands, going from one finger to the next, “there’s 10.” Tobin smiled at her again, “do you feel a bit better?” Christen nodded, her breathing had stabilized, then she realized she was still naked.

She grabbed the sheets pulling them up to her chest, she knew it was stupid. It’s not like Tobin hadn’t seen her naked before but she felt way to vulnerable like this. “You want me to get you some clothes?” Christen nodded again, she watched as Tobin got out of the bed and grabbed a hoodie and some shorts. When she came back to the bed she put them down and turned her back to give Christen some privacy. Once Christen had put the clothes on she pulled Tobin down to the bed again curling into her, “I’m sorry.” 

Tobin kissed her forehead, “i know what happened last night Chris and you don’t have to be sorry, it’s not your fault.” Christen felt tears starting to form in her eyes, “it was awful.” Tobin was rubbing her back, slowly rocking her, “I know baby, it’s okay, no one is going to hurt you.” 

They sat like that for 30 minutes, Christen softly crying while Tobin held onto her, rocking her back and forth while rubbing her back. After Christens crying had stopped, Tobin asked her what she wanted to do, offering to order some breakfast but Christen refused. She had been locked into a room for 2 days before, she didn’t want to do that again, she knew she needed to face the world. “Could you maybe ask the team to just not get to close?” Tobin promised her she would send a group text and that she could just sit between Ali and her. 

Ali came by to pick them up when it was time for breakfast, she had asked through text how Christen was doing. Tobin had told her she was okay now but that she had a rough start, asking Ali to stay close throughout breakfast. 

The team had all respected Christens wish to be left alone, Tobin hadn’t really said anything other than “rough morning” but they all kept their distance. Christen visibly cheered up during breakfast, even laughing at some jokes from Kelley and Ash.

When they were done with breakfast Tobin and Ali sat Christen down telling her what happened last night after she fell asleep. “I’m sorry Chris, I didn’t know what to do and I panicked.” Christen smiled at her “you did the right thing Tobs, I think it would maybe be good to talk to Dana, she sounds nice.” Ali looked at her with a proud smile, she had hoped Christen would be brave enough to say that, “so can we call her and tell her to come?” 

They let Christen think for a while, also offering her the chance to say no and meet Dana in Portland a couple days later. In the end Christen told them to call her, she knew she needed to talk about last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Help is on the way!
> 
> Last chapter will be up soon, maybe even today.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


	3. I’m so proud of you Chris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen does therapy, Dana helps her sort out her feelings. Christen tries to regain control over her body again, Tobin helps her with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This became a lot longer than i thought it would

Christen didn’t mind talking to Dana, she was sweet and calm, she kind of reminded her of her mother. They hadn’t talked about anything serious yet though, Dana knew what was going on, the group had told her over the phone. She didn’t know every detail, but she wasn’t a stranger to the story either, it made Christen feel a bit better that she didn’t have to explain everything.

Dana had asked her to pick a safe topic for them to talk about, just to get to know each other a bit more. Christen talked about her dogs, meditation and yoga. Dana loved dogs, she had three herself, but she didn’t like yoga, saying she fell over every time she tried, making Christen laugh. 

After that first night Christen felt good, Dana was making her feel comfortable and didn’t force her into anything. When Christen got back to her room she saw that Tobin was sitting in bed waiting for her, she chuckled. She had told Tobin to go to sleep but of course she didn’t, Christen quickly changed and climbed into her lap giving her a kiss while she did. Tobin didn’t ask questions; she just stole a couple more kisses before letting Christen cuddle into her so they could go to sleep. 

Over the next few days she saw Dana every day, they had talked about the night in Orlando, her relationship with Tobin, her friends who helped her during the past 2 weeks and she taught her ways to prevent flashbacks and what to do when they occurred. Christen was glad she hadn’t put it off, Dana made her feel grounded, she talked her through her worries with a certainty and a calmness that was reassuring. 

Tobin spoke with Dana to, Christen had asked what they had talked about, but Tobin didn’t share. Dana taught her that it was okay, Tobin would tell her when she was ready to do so.

Camp ended on the 29th of February, it was emotional to say the least, Christen hugged everyone, twice. She didn’t even know how to thank the group of people that had protected and supported her these last three weeks. Ash made her laugh one more time when Christen went in for another hug saying, “I’m never gonna turn down a hug from a sexy lady.” She earned slaps from Ali and Tobin for that one, Kelley promised to be in Portland the week before camp started again. Pinoe, thank god, was very close by and promised to come down to Portland whenever they needed her. Ali was the hardest, they hugged for a long time, Christen trying to thank her for everything she had done for her. Ali gave her a kiss on her cheek before telling her to call or Facetime anytime when she needed to. 

And with that, everyone was gone, leaving Tobin and her alone. 

The next week was hard, they were adjusting to normal life, whatever that was. Pre-season hadn’t started yet and they were officially free until the next camp, which was in about 5 weeks’ time. They still had to train, but there were no games or major club commitments to keep them busy. 

Christen saw Dana 4 times that first week, it was tough, they had reached a stage where she wanted to talk about what had happened but that didn’t make it easier. They talked through the flashback she had, the triggers she found she had and everything that had happened in Orlando. It made Christen feel lighter but somehow heavier as well. Lighter because it was out, it wasn’t a secret anymore, heavier because talking about it made It real, she couldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened anymore. 

Tobin was supportive through it all, she took her to her appointments with Dana, wiped away her tears when she woke up in the middle of the night. She talked her through moments of panic, she never complained when Christen didn’t want to go out because she was scared. She would just sit next to her on the couch, startup Netflix and hold her close, just like she did today.

“What do you talk about with Dana?” Christen had wondered since the first time Tobin had mentioned she talked to her. They had been back home a little more than a week and Tobin had gone in twice to see her. “Why do you want to know?” They were on the couch watching a now forgotten movie, “I don’t know, I’m just curious.” Tobin turned towards her, facing her so she could look at Christen. 

“I talk about how I felt when you first told me and how I felt after you had your flashback.” Christen looked down at her lap while she grabbed Tobin’s hand, “you know I don’t blame you right?” she was playing with the ring on Tobin’s middle finger. “I know you don’t, but I felt it was good to talk about it anyway,” Christen looked at Tobin again, “you felt guilty after the flashback?” They hadn’t actually really talked about that night, “I did, I thought it was my fault it happened.” 

“It wasn’t, I wanted to, but it was just too soon,” it was Tobin’s turn to look down, they both did that whenever they were nervous. “You know I will wait right? I don’t care if we never have sex again, I just want you to feel safe and loved.” Christen lifted Tobin’s chin up to look her in her eyes, “I know that baby, but I don’t plan on never having sex with you again, I just need to feel like I’m in control of my own body again.” She felt Tobin touch her forehead against hers, “will you tell me if I can help with that?” Christen gave her a small kiss, “I will, don’t worry.” 

“I feel like there is something you want to say but you aren’t saying it,” Christen was sitting in Dana’s office, it was her sixth appointment since coming back from camp. Dana’s office was nice and calm, just like her, she had some comfy chairs, a couch and even a couple barstools. She had looked at her with a questioning look when she saw the barstools, “some people who come here don’t want to sit down, the barstools make them feel safe because it’s easier to stand up and leave.” Christen had thought about that, she realized that a couple weeks ago she might have picked the bar stools, instead she had picked the comfy chairs. 

“Iwanttofeelincontrolagain,” Christen had said the words very fast, fortunately Dana still understood them because Christen was not ready to repeat it. “What do you want to feel in control off?” Christen shifted uncomfortably, “my body,” she mumbled, “you don’t feel in control of your body now?” Christen shook her head, “what does that feel like?” 

Sometimes Christen hated the questions, she knew Dana knows what she means without having to say it but still she asked. “Like someone else controls my body,” she had whispered those last words. “Who is that someone else?” Christen shrugged her shoulders, she knew the answer, but she was scared to say the words out loud. “I think you know the answer to that question Christen,” she sighed, of course she did, how could she not know the answer. 

“Ever since Orlando I feel like the rapists are in control of my body, it still feels like they are holding my wrists, it feels like they are making my body move and I just go through the motions.” Tears were streaming down her face, “I just want it to stop” She said through her tears. 

“You need to take back control,” Christen looked at her through her tears, “how?” Dana looked at her, waiting for her to calm down a bit before she continued. “You need to realize that you’re the one controlling your body even if it doesn’t feel like it.” 

“The easiest way to do that is to watch your own body, you can start small, just move your fingers around, watch them flex or grab something.” Christen looked at her as if she was crazy, Dana just chuckled, “I know it sounds crazy but that’s how you start, realize that you’re the one controlling your body.” 

Christen felt stupid doing it but she did it anyway. For a whole week she would spend some time every day moving her fingers, then her arms, then her legs, then her toes and lastly her whole body. It felt good, more and more she began to realize that she was the one moving her body, not someone else. 

She hadn’t seen Dana that whole week, they had agreed that the intensive part was over, Christen didn’t need to talk to her every day or even every other day. They set up a regular appointment once a week. When she came in that week she felt different, she wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but it felt nice. 

“So, Christen how have you been?” Christen smiled at her, “surprisingly good, I even went to Utah for two days to meet my teammates.” Dana smiled back at her, “that’s great! Did Tobin go with you?” Christen nodded, she didn’t have to explain, she had come a long way but going on a plane and sitting next to a stranger was just not going to happen yet. 

“How did the exercises go?” Christen giggled, “I felt really stupid,” Dana giggled with her, “but I do think it helped.” Dana didn’t look surprised, “why do you think it helped?” Christen thought for a while, trying to find the best way to describe it, “it’s just that seeing my body move when I want it to makes me realize that I’m the one making it do that.” Dana smiled at her again, “well It seems like you exactly got from it what I hoped you would.” 

“So, what is the next step?” Dana looked at her curiously, “that depends on what your goal is, can you tell me that.” Christen blushed, “I guess the goal would be to be comfortable with Tobin” Christen looked down at her lap, too embarrassed to look at Dana. “In what way do you want to be comfortable with her?” This just made Christen blush more, “being naked with her and having her touch me I guess.” 

Dana fortunately didn’t make it awkward, “why don’t you try it?” Christen looked doubtful, “what if the same thing happens as the last time?” Dana looked at her pointedly, “I’m not suggesting you try and have sex with Tobin, I’m suggesting, you try and see if you are comfortable letting her see you naked.” Christen let out a nervous laugh, “so how do I do that?” Dana smiled at her again, “tell her you want to try and do something that relaxes you.” Christen thought about the suggestion, “what about a bath? Would that work?” Dana smiled at her again, “you’re getting the picture.” 

It was the day after her appointment with Dana, she was jittering around the house like a nervous chicken. After half an hour of watching her Tobin got up from the couch and stopped her in the midst of another burst through the apartment. “Christen can you stand still for me for a second, you’re making me dizzy,” Tobin said while holding onto her hand. Christen let Tobin lead her back to the couch and sit down, “what is going on Chris, I can see the nerves coming out of your ears.” 

Christen looked down at her lap, playing with Tobin’s ring again to calm herself down. It took her 10 minutes or so to gain the confidence to open her mouth, “you said I had to let you know if you could help me right?” Tobin straightened up, “yeah of course, what is it baby?” 

Christen was quiet again, waiting for a burst of confidence, “wouldyoutakeabathwithme?” Sadly, Tobin didn’t have the interpretation skills Dana had and asked her to repeat what she had said. Christen swallowed before she tried again, “will you take a bath with me?” Tobin looked at her with a surprised face, “are you sure?” Christen nodded, “I want to try even if it scares me.”

Christen wasn’t waiting for an answer, using her bravery while she still had it. She got up from the couch and held out her hand for Tobin to grab, she smiled when Tobin grabbed it and started walking to their bathroom. She kept herself busy setting the temperature and adding some bath oils.

Tobin was waiting behind her, when Christen turned around she looked in Tobin’s eyes. “I’m scared,” she admitted, Tobin grabbed her hands again, “what are you scared off?” 

“Being naked with you”

Tobin moved one hand to the side of her face, making Christen look her in her eyes again, “would it help if I undressed first?” Christen thought about it before nodding, “will you help me?” Tobin asked. Christen nodded again, moving her hands to take off the snapback on Tobin’s head, smiling when the action caused hair to fall into her face. She moved onto her shirt, undoing the buttons one by one, she knew Tobin wasn’t wearing a bra, but she didn’t care. She gently pushed the shirt off, leaving Tobin bare from the waist up, Christen spend her time just looking, slightly caressing Tobin’s side. 

She moved on to Tobin shorts, unbuttoning them and rolling down the zipper slowly before pushing the shorts down, watching them fall to the ground. She put her hands on Tobin’s hips, feeling the soft material of her boxers before sliding those down to. “You’re really beautiful, I probably don’t tell you that enough,” Tobin blushed, it surprised Christen, Tobin was never shy. She pressed a kiss on her cheek, “you are really cute when you blush” Christen said when Tobin looked up again. 

Christen panicked a bit when she realized she was done undressing Tobin, knowing it was her turn. Tobin noticed immediately putting her forehead on Christens again, “we can stop here Christen, we don’t have to continue.” Christen loved Tobin for how gentle she was but she needed to do this, be brave was her assignment for the day. 

She showed Tobin she wanted to continue by taking her hoodie off, leaving her standing in a bra and shorts. Tobin’s hands went to her shoulders, letting her hands caress her shoulders and her neck, “can I take this off?” Tobin’s hands were on the straps of her bra, she took a deep breath before nodding. She unhooked the back herself while Tobin slowly brought the straps down her arms, she fought the urge to cross her arms in front of her breasts. Tobin put her hands on her side this time before kissing her cheek, “so beautiful baby.” 

It was Christens time to blush now, “you’re really cute when you blush to,” Christens laughed at the recycled comment. Tobin’s hands had moved to the front of her shorts, she looked at Christen again, silently asking for permission. She got it when Christen moved her hands over top of Tobin’s and helped her unbutton and unzip them. They pulled them down together, watching them pool at Christens feet, it left Christen in just her underwear. 

Once again Tobin’s hands went to her side, softly brushing up and down. Christen put her hands over top Tobin’s again, guiding them to the sides of her underwear before pulling it down. Her underwear had joined her shorts on the ground, she let out a deep breath when she realized she had done it. Tobin pulled her close, her mouth to Christens ear, “I’m so proud of you Chris.” 

Christen felt tears of relief forming in her eyes but she didn’t care, for once she felt like she had a good reason to cry. Tobin kissed away all her tears, making her laugh, “do you want to get in?” Christen looked at the tub, It had filled up by now, she took another deep breath pulling Tobin close again, so her head was on her shoulder. “Yeah, but could I maybe sit behind?” She had whispered the question in Tobin’s ear, she was scared what Tobin was going to say, Tobin always sat behind. She felt Tobin move her lips to her ear, “anything you need superstar.” 

Christen let out a long breath into Tobin’s neck, smiling at the nickname. When she pulled back she pressed a quick kiss to Tobin’s lips before moving over to the tub and getting in. Tobin gave her a moment to get settled, when Christen reached out her hand she got in to, finding her place between Christen legs. Christen pulled her close to her chest, pressing kisses to her shoulder, while her arms circled around her waist. 

They both sighed enjoying the feeling of being so close, “I like holding you.” Tobin chuckled, “really? I hadn’t noticed,” Christen slapped her on her arm, splashing some water around. She was pressing slow kisses to Tobin’s neck, making a line from just behind her ear down to her shoulder. When Tobin turned her head towards her she pressed a kiss to her lips, deepening it when she felt Tobin swipe her tongue over her bottom lip. 

The kiss was slow and sensual, Tobin knew she would have a neck cramp tomorrow from the angle, but she didn’t stop. Christen eventually pulled away after she heard Tobin moan into the kiss, “do you want me to..” Christen felt Tobin turn in her arms until they were face to face again, “Chris I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for, I can deal with being turned on.” Christen blushed, “so you’re?” Tobin smiled at her, “I’m naked in your arms while you’re kissing me, I will never not be turned on by that.” 

Christen blushed again, “tell me how you feel Chris,” Christen looked up into her eyes, “I’m turned on to, but I don’t want to have sex.” Tobin gave her a proud smile, “so what do you want?” Christen blushed again, “for you to hold me,” Tobin pulled her close again, “I can do that.” 

Tobin moved back towards the other side of the tub, spreading her legs to make space for Christen. When she felt Tobin wrap her arms around her and press a kiss to her cheek she let out deep breath. “You still okay baby?” She loved Tobin for asking, “yes, I love it when you hold me.” She felt Tobin move her hands over her body, from her stomach, to her thighs and back up to the underside of her breasts, “Can i?” Tobin whispered. Christen leaned further back, pressing a kiss to Tobin’s throat, “yes.” 

Tobin’s hands massaged her breasts, cupping them and holding them in her hands. When she moved her hands down to her stomach again, Christen let out a disappointed whine. Tobin laughed in her ear, “I love you Chris,” she said while pressing another kiss to her cheek. Christen pulled Tobin’s arms even tighter around her, “I love you to Tobs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's the end for this fic, i will probably do a follow up which delves deeper into the physical intimacy subject. I didn't want to rush it and put it all in this one since that would require me to do big time jumps. 
> 
> This series is almost at it's end though, at least i feel like it is, tell me if you want me to write more in this series and what about. I won't promise anything but if something catches my eye i might write some more.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


	4. The lists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen takes another (huge) step in furthering their physical relationship. Dana gives her an assignment which helps her greatly, Tobin is patient, loving and just soft really

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess i wasn't done after all, who knew. This deserved another chapter so here i am.  
Trigger warning still applies, this is mostly cute and fluffy but there are some heavy moments

The bath was a regular occurrence, Christen loved it, after that first time it became easier to be naked around Tobin. She was still nervous, but the nerves would go as soon as Tobin would pull her back against her chest, circling her arms around her stomach. They would share kisses and Tobin would touch her all over, to a point where Christen would try and push Tobin’s hands down to where she wanted them. 

Tobin would always trace her hands back up, pressing kisses to her neck, it frustrated Christen to no end even if she knew she wasn’t ready.

When she saw Dana two weeks after they first started working on getting comfortable with Tobin, she brought it up, “why can’t I have sex with her?” She said is in a whiny voice, Dana almost laughed at her, “who says you can’t?” Christen wanted to say it was her but that wasn’t true, Dana never told her what to do, “my head I guess.”

“Can you explain that to me?” Christen blushed slightly, she had no reason to really, but it still felt weird to talk so openly about her feelings. “It’s just that my body wants to but as soon as I get time to think about it my head starts to panic.” Dana looked at her curiously, “what do you panic about?” Christen swallowed before answering, “Tobin doing things I don’t want to.” Dana shot her another curious look, “what are the things you don’t want her to do?” Christen was beet red now, “I don’t know,” Christen did know but she wasn’t going to say them out loud. 

Dana gave her a smile, “I think I have a new homework assignment for you. I want you to make a list of things you are okay with Tobin doing and a list of things you don’t want Tobin to do. I also want you to write down things you want to try but are still nervous about.” Christen nodded, she kind of expected this one, it didn’t stop her from blushing though. 

“So, you’re leaving for camp soon right?” Dana fortunately decided to change the subject. “I thought we were, but Jill changed her mind, this upcoming camp she will be looking at new players and maybe players. She told Tobin and I that we’re sure of our spot for the Olympics, so she hasn’t called us in.” Christen couldn’t help contain her smile, normally she would hate not being invited to camp but this time it was a good thing. 

“That’s great Christen! Will you be staying in Portland then?” Christen nodded, “yes, I will make some trips to Utah, but Tobin is going with me for those.” They ended the session with Christen feeling relieved, she had found the courage to talk about it at least. 

When she got home she saw Tobin on the couch with Kelley watching some Disney movie, when she walked up to them she leaned down to give Tobin a quick kiss. “Hey where is my kiss?” Kelley had puckered her lips waiting for Chris to come over and kiss her, “fine” Christen said, “Tobin kiss Kelley.” She laughed when she saw the two look at each other with disgust, “not going to happen squirrel,” “I don’t even want that to happen Toby.” 

Christen laughed again when she walked out of the room, still hearing the two argue about who wanted to kiss the other the least. She had grabbed her notebook and made her way over to the balcony, figuring that she might as well get started immediately. 

She spent over an hour thinking and writing things down. Eventually Tobin came looking for her, Kelley had left a little while ago to go out with some friends. She let Tobin pull her into a hug, feeling her press kisses to every inch of her face before she finally landed on her lips. Christen loved it when Tobin did that, it made her feel all tingly and happy. 

“What are you writing?” Tobin asked between kisses. “Dana gave me homework,” Tobin looked up at hearing that, making Christen miss the kisses she was applying to her neck. “Do you want to tell me about it?” Christen thought about it, she was pretty much done and this was about her after all. “She told me to make a list, or well 3 actually, do you want to read them?” Tobin gave her another kiss, “if you’re okay with that, then yes.” 

Christen gave her a shy smile before she handed over the notebook, she saw Tobin’s jaw drop as soon as she started reading. Christen smirked watching Tobin read, she had read the “yes” and “maybe” lists first before reading the “no” list. “Can I ask you a question?” Christen was smirking at the blush on her face, “sure you can.” Tobin seemed to try and compose herself before asking her question, “I can do all these things?” Tobin asked while pointing at the “yes” list.

When Christen said “yes” Tobin kissed her again before moving down her mouth to Christens neck to suck at the spot that she knew drove Christen crazy. “I really like doing that,” Christen blushed again, she liked that one to. “Can I ask another question?” Christen nodded, “Will you tell me why this is one the maybe list and this is on the no list?” Tobin had pointed to two things that were both on top of their lists, “oral sex” was on the “maybe” list, “penetration” was on the “no” list. 

“Are you surprised?” Christen hadn’t answered the question but Tobin didn’t mind, “a little, oral seems so much more intimate to me.” Christen looked down at her lap, “it is.” She mumbled, when she looked up again she saw Tobin’s confused face, “I’m not scared of being intimate with you.” This didn’t help with Tobin’s confusion, “what are you scared of?” 

Christen leaned forward to hide her face in Tobin’s shoulder, she couldn’t look at her, “that you will hurt me like they did.” Christen felt Tobin’s arms coming up to hold her close, “I will never hurt you like they did Chris, never.” Christen hated herself for crying but she couldn’t help it, “can you tell me about it?” Christen didn’t lift her head up, choosing to hide in Tobin’s shoulder for as long as she could, “they used their fingers first, but it hurt so much.” She cried into Tobin’s neck, “and then they…” Christen couldn’t finish the sentence, Tobin didn’t let go of her, rubbing her back and whispering soothing words into her ear. 

Christen didn’t stop crying, she felt Tobin softly rock her in her lap, still whispering sweet words into her ear. They had sat like that for at least an hour when Tobin felt Christen shiver, “can I pick you up and take you inside?” she felt Christen nod her head against her shoulder, she picked Christen up bridal style and took her to the couch. Sitting down with Christen still in her lap, she grabbed a blanket to throw over them and felt Christen snuggle into her. 

During the rest of the week they did a lot of things on the “yes” list, like holding hands, kissing and taking baths. They even did two things of the “maybe list,” they showered together and Tobin gave Christen a massage, both turned out to be very enjoyable and got moved over to the “yes” list. 

When she showed Dana the lists and the progress she had already made at her next appointment Dana praised her. “How about the no list, how do you feel about those since you wrote them down?” Christen looked down at the list, “I guess they are less scary now than they were then, but I still don’t want to do them.” Dana smiled at her, “that’s still great progress. Do you think you would ever want to try the things on that list?” 

Christen looked at the list again, “yeah, there are a couple which I would want to do if I wasn’t so scared of them.” Dana took the “maybe” list from the table, “do you think a way to that is to try more things from this list?” Christen nodded, “yeah, I think so, I mean the more we have done the easier it has gotten.”

The appointment ended with Dana telling her to just keep doing what she was doing. Afterwards Christen felt great, when she came home she felt even better. Tobin was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner, “hey baby, since when do you cook?” Tobin looked up when she heard her voice, “well hello to you to” she said while going over to give Christen a kiss. “Don’t get too excited, Kling helped” Christen laughed, Tobin couldn’t cook to save her life so some part of her was very relieved that Kling had been involved. “To what do I owe this surprise?” she asked while giving Tobin a kiss to, “well, I know you are usually tired when you come from Dana and I didn’t want you to worry about dinner.” 

It was such a simple thing but Christen loved her for it, she hugged Tobin close, “I love you.” She felt Tobin hug her closer, “I love you too.” 

They stood together like that for a couple minutes before the beeping of the oven brought them out of their trance. “ready to eat?” Christen smiled, just now realizing how hungry she actually was, she grabbed the wine and followed Tobin to the dining room. They ate on the couch, feeding each other little bites and sipping on their wine, Christen couldn’t imagine a better night. 

“Want to join me in the bath?” Tobin stood up without answering, she grabbed both their glasses, the bottle of wine and held out her hand when she stood up. Christen laughed at Tobin’s eagerness, she was hopefully going to put that to good use. 

That’s how they ended up in the bath, glasses in hand while Christen leaned back into Tobin’s chest. Christen felt safe and warm, the bath had become one of her favorite places, something about it made her feel like nothing else in the world mattered. 

“Babe?” She whispered, “Hmm” Christen turned her face to see Tobin totally relaxed, she took her glass from her and put it down next to hers. Tobin opened her eyes not realizing Christens face would be that close, she smiled before pressing a kiss to her cheek. Christen tried not to get distracted, “I want to try something?” Tobin gave her another kiss, to her other cheek this time, “and what is that babe?” 

Instead of just telling her Christen grabbed Tobin’s hands moving them to her breasts, “I want you to touch me.” Tobin didn’t question her, they had done this before, she moved her hands over Christens breasts while she pressed little kisses to her neck. She sucked at her pulse point making her moan, she started to pinch her nipple while her other hand was tracing patterns over her other breast. 

This was usually when Tobin stopped but Christen had other ideas. She moved Tobin’s hand down, “Chris?” Tobin said in a questioning voice. “I want to try a maybe,” she said simply, “which one do you want to try?” Christen took a deep breath, “the number one on the list,” her voice was surprisingly steady. 

“Can you tell me why that one makes you nervous?” 

They had promised each other that whenever they tried something of the lists Christen would explain why it was on that list. Tobin insisted on it, saying she needed to know why so she knew what part made her uncomfortable. “I just don’t want to be like before, I don’t want to be scared and not enjoy it like I should.” Tobin knew what she meant; they had talked about the times they had sex after Orlando. Christen had told her she didn’t enjoy It because she was scared, even if she did orgasm. 

Tobin had cuddled Christen close against her chest again, pressing their cheeks together before she started talking. “Will you tell me when you’re scared and I need to stop?” Christen gave her a quick kiss, “I will.” Tobin returned the kiss, but it wasn’t a quick kiss, she kissed Christen deeply wanting to show her exactly how much she loved her. Christen moaned into the kiss, she loved Tobin’s kisses, she could feel the love and it turned her on. 

Christen broke the kiss wanting to get on with it, she got up from her position between Tobin’s legs and got out of the bath, pulling Tobin with her. She felt Tobin dry her off with a towel, once again mesmerized that such a simple thing could make her feel so loved. 

Once they were dry enough Tobin took her hand and guided her back to the bedroom. This was new territory, they hadn’t been naked in bed before, they had always gotten dressed after a shower or bath. Somehow Christen didn’t feel uncomfortable when Tobin crawled onto the bed with her, “you still want to do this?” Christen used her hand to draw circles over Tobin’s abs, “very much,” She breathed out. 

She felt Tobin kiss her again, she felt herself being pulled on top, legs starting to get entangled. It was an unspoken rule that Christen was never below Tobin, even when they slept Tobin made sure to never get even half on top of her. 

Christen felt Tobin hands going to her ass, she moaned when she felt Tobin squeeze her tight. She had moved completely on top of Tobin, loving the feel of their breasts rubbing against each other. 

Christen gasped when she felt Tobin sliding a finger through her folds, it was unexpected, but she loved it. “Is this okay?” Christen moaned, tilting her head back, “more than okay.” Tobin moved them onto their sides so she would have better access before flicking her finger over Christens clit just once. Christen moaned again, it had been so long, she wasn’t going to last. “Tobin more,” was the only thing she could manage to choke out, “you sure?” Christen both loved and hated how considerate Tobin was being, she was to turned on for this, she moved her hand to join Tobin’s, making her apply pressure to her clit again. 

She felt Tobin slowly making her way down, making a path of kisses down her neck, to her breasts, her stomach, her thighs before stopping. Christen let out a frustrated whine, Tobin chuckled, “so impatient.” She kept kissing and biting the inside of her thighs, it turned Christen on even more, but it wasn’t enough. All nerves were forgotten at this point, “please Tobin.” 

Christen almost screamed when she felt Tobin’s tongue on her clit, she grabbed onto the sheets with her hands. Tobin moved one hand up to pinch her nipple, Christen could feel her orgasm approaching, “fuck, Tobin don’t stop.” She squeezed her eyes shut while thrusting her hips towards Tobin, she was so close. 

She felt every part of her body explode when Tobin lightly sucked on her clit while still pinching her nipple. She screamed Tobin’s name when her orgasm hit her, arching her back of the bed. Tobin kept her mouth on her, letting her ride it out. When Christens hips stilled and she stopped trembling Tobin came back up, making the same path with her mouth, kissing her all over. When she finally reached Christens lips she kissed her deep, Christen moaned when she tasted herself on Tobin’s tongue. 

They lay together in silence for a few minutes, Tobin had shifted them, Christens head resting between her breasts while Tobin stroked her hair. “Was that okay?” Tobin asked softly, “better than okay” Christen replied sleepily. “I love you” she added before falling asleep. 

They did another new thing that night, Christen only realized when they woke up, they slept naked. Christen cherished the feeling, she felt safe and warm all wrapped up in Tobin. She didn’t get up in the morning when she woke up, not wanting to leave the loving embrace. 

“I’m really proud of you Chris,” she felt Tobin lips against her ear when she whispered those words in her raspy morning voice. Christen blushed, she could feel the pride, “it’s thanks to you baby, thank you for being so patient.” Tobin pressed her lips to her ear again, “I will always be here baby, remember that.”

Christen pulled Tobin into an even tighter embrace, they stayed like that for hours, she loved feeling their bodies touch, it felt right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew this took me a while, i hope i did it right.
> 
> The lists were a tricky thing, i figured that it fit Christens personality of wanting things in order and wanting to plan things.
> 
> Next fic will probably be a small one on Christen going to report the rape, i have wanted to do a fic on that but didn't know when to fit it in because i didn't feel like Chris would be open to doing that yet. Now i think we have come to a point when Chris would be comfortable enough to talk to the police. 
> 
> I also got some good suggestions in my Tumblr asks which i will explore, if you have any yourself you're welcome to sent them to me :)
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think in the comments or on Tumblr https://hardtchill.tumblr.com/


End file.
